Over the last few days I've been typing stuff up and deleting it and not posting. It was all pretty messy. What it did do is give me a chance to mull things over and identify exactly what it was that made me go from \o/ \o/ \o/ to /o\ :(( in a blink of an eye. Or rather...one episode.
This is actually mostly positive. It's just me working through the grief and coming out the other side. In other words... MOVE ON! *G* It's pretty damn boring. It's mostly self therapy. I promise I'll post more interesting stuff soon...;D
This isn't an apology for my recent episode reaction. I'd never do that because I can't help what I feel and I use my journal to spew my thoughts all over it - be it key smashing squee or key smashing annoyance. I'd rather the squee believe me. I've been in this awful, despairing place the last few days and I don't like it. Made worse when I realise I'm feeling this way because of a damn TV show. (I figure my life can't be bad when the worse feelings I have is over this stupid passion I have for two fictional characters..;D)
I feel better now (not least because there are lots of people being positive and those vibes rub off on me *g*) because I have identified exactly what it was that's made me so despairing and once that was done I could talk myself around. Mostly.
What happened was I had this utter and sudden realisation that Sam actually didn't
look for Dean. I think in the back of my mind I was hoping that there was something more. That something happened
to Sam to prevent him from looking for Dean. But I think that his world impolding and hitting a dog and meeting a girl is...well...it. When he told Dean he'd come clean and told him why he didn't look - it's the truth.
I mean, no doubt there's a shit tonne of angst yet to come surrounding it all and I'm excited about that but I honestly feel like there isn't any more to Sam's story. There's no real mystery surrounding what happened to Sam because we are seeing it all. As much as I'd like to think it's not "real" there's just not enough evidence to prove otherwise (hee...and this comment will make more sense in a few days...;D)
So yeah. It hit hard and it's taken some adjusting.
I then went through the usual despair that once again Sam is the "bad" one and being used to hurt Dean. It's always so hard to see that. I know Dean hurts Sam also but it just seems that when Dean hurts Sam it's because he somehow deserves it but when Sam hurts Dean it's because he's a bad brother. I'm having trouble reconciling that at the moment but I'm working on it. (and this isn't a go at the characters but rather an acknowledgement that this is actually part
of their characters and an on going issue).
But what was it exactly about 8.07 that brought all this about?
Ultimately it came down to Sam just not having a voice in that episode and thus bringing about the realisation that he doesn't have any more to say. He suffered that barrage of accusation from not!Dean and all we got was a little snap that he might be the one to kill Benny (and man, is that ever a can of delicious worms!). And I KNOW show doesn't always acknowledge previous episodes and I totally accept that, but I had honestly thought that moment between the boys in the previous episode was going to be a catalyst to some sort of truth to come out. Or even major fall out.
But it wasn't. So even all those lovely broments (and they were wonderful) fell short because on back of those huge inner confessions from Dean they just felt flat - or unreal. Every time I saw them I was hanging onto every word in the hope we'd get a call back. And I know that might be yet to come (I am sure it will be) but for me it will be lessened because we will have had all this "happy" bro time in between.
It's totally down to my perception of it and my expectations going in I know that. I was so unprepared for what we got that I was just not ready for it. There are times that being spoiled really
spoils an ep but in this case it might have helped me to know what the ep had in store for me.
But I'm coming out of the other side and having (almost!) totally accepted that Sam really really didn't look for Dean (I can't even believe I was holding on to some hope that he really really did) which means I can start moving on from that. I don't think I want
to but the show isn't made more me and as I still want to be part of it I just have to accept it and DEAL! ;)
I have been loving that we are back to the focus on the brother's relationship. I am not sure how I am feeling about the inevitable major rift that will get even bigger between the boys. That will be tough, but as I alway maintain - if they are separated or disconnected it will mean they will have to find their way back to each other. We are ONLY 7 eps in and maybe it's because it feels like so much more (which is a good thing! - it's been so meaty) it feels like we should have had all the answers already. PATIENCE! I keep telling myself (as I did in the beginning of S6!)
I will admit that I am sincerely hoping that Sam does have his moment. I know he will. As much as it looks like he's just rolling with the punches, cruising through it all I am sure (please God!) that there's more going on inside him.
Dear Show...have I told you how much I
love you lately?
PS: Making fandom things has helped I have to say. ;)